I’m a 42 year old Canadian woman who recently moved to Australia from Canada to be with my husband, Simon, who is Australian. We met on the internet and I visited him for three weeks in ’99, and then he came to stay with me in Canada for nine months. Six months ago in Canada, we were married, and I quit my job and sold my house to come and live with him in Australia. Once we got here, he almost completely stopped being the wonderful romantic man I fell in love with, which was very painful for me. Although I know he loves me, I feel he somehow felt there was no need to woo me anymore because we are married and I have now moved to Australia. It was very important to me that we take some time, even a day or two to have a kind of honeymoon after the exhausting (on every level) whirlwind of leaving my home and 19 year old sons behind. I wanted us to have a time to say, “Hooray, we are married!”
My husband is a wealthy man who could have easily afforded to give me this. He is also a man who normally loves to romance women; his photo albums are full of pictures of trips to Europe, stays at resorts, etc. with other women he has had relationships with; we stayed with friends and relatives for a month until our house was vacant. I felt so taken for granted. And also berated myself for being so shallow that a honeymoon was such a big deal to me. I woke up each morning for months crying and angry.
At first, he wouldn’t believe me when I told him how I felt about it, but he eventually came to see that my pain was real, and has apologised and is putting much more energy into our relationship now.
My problem is, I can’t seem to rid myself of the anger I feel. It isn’t healthy for me, and certainly not for our relationship!
Can you give me any pointers on how to let go of it?
Thank you for your time and interest. You are very kind.
Dear Michele, Sweetie,
You are very kind, too. You know how I know? Because you see it in me. You can’t see in another what you do not have within yourself, bubbeleh.
So, since you now know that you are a very kind person, consider this: very kind people are also very forgiving people.
Your husband is now doing what you wanted him to from the start. So why are you hanging on to your anger and resentment? Because you’ve forgotten, temporarily, who you really are. And who you really are, darling, is Love.
There’s one more thing you’ve forgotten, and that is: the past is over. The reason you are hanging onto your anger is because you are not living in the Now. Darling, why would you want to do a thing like that? The past is in the past. The now is here now! Would you rather live here, or there? In misery, or in happiness? Thank God, you don’t really have a choice in the matter, since you’re already here, now. And now is good! It’s just that you haven’t woken up from the nightmare yet. You’re living in a nightmare. You don’t have to. You can wake up, this very second, if you want to.
Look what you have, right here, right now…a wealthy, apologetic husband who is working on your relationship. Honey, if I had had that, I would never have needed my guru. My life would have been complete.
Sweetheart, if you could only choose to live in the moment, you could be happy. What do you get when you hang onto that thing that happened in the past, which isn’t even real because it isn’t happening now? Do you get something you need? No. You get misery. Do you want that? I didn’t think so.
Listen to me, sweetie, it’s really very simple. Open your eyes. Look at what you have in front of you. Now, turn your head. What’s there? Nothing.
So live in the Now. Enjoy the Now. Spend your rich husband’s money on something nice right Now…such as that honeymoon you didn’t have before.
And, unless you enjoy torturing yourself, for Goodness sake, stop looking at his old photographs!