I am a mother of two, married nine years. I can’t say that I have had a very happy marriage. My husband and I constantly fight (mainly about money). He gets angry whenever I try to talk to him and it has even gotten to the stage where we very nearly separated. I feel he thinks I am stupid and frankly I am sick of the whole situation.
Because of this I feel that life is passing me by, and I have started and affair with a married man. This has gone on and off for about two months now, whenever we can be alone, which isn’t often. I know that this man has no feelings for me (other than attraction) but I continue because I just need some excitement.
I don’t love my husband and I don’t love my boyfriend. Please advise me oon what I should do because I am still not happy.
About this situation, my dear guru, Shri Schmattaji of Mysore, would have said, Ay-ya!” That’s Asian for “Oy vey!”
No wonder you are sick of this situation. It’s a sick situation. Why is it sick? Because, morality issues aside, you are out of sync with your own heart. You are fighting with reality and that it making you insane.
Honey, you didn’t need the spirit to tell you that it’s foolhardy to try and get your needs met from someone who is unavailable. And, truly speaking, you’re not available either; you are still marred to this man who you think should make you happy…and you’ve deliberately chosen someone else with whom to cheat on your husband who will not make any demands on you. Sounds to me like you already have what you want, in that case. The best of both worlds, a husband and a lover. Oh, you don’t love either of them? Oh, well! Why is that? Because they’re not making you happy?
If it were the role of husbands to make their wives happy, everyone would be happily married. If you rely on another for your own happiness, you are never going to be happy. Love isn’t about expecting another to complete you; you are complete.
It’s not even the job of your boyfriend to excite you. He’s not the one exciting you; you are exciting yourself with the idea of an extra-marital affair; isn’t that the real truth?
Here’s how to make this sick situation well: love what’s in front of you. You have two children; this is a blessing. You have a husband who hasn’t left you despite the fighting. You say he thinks you are stupid. Well, maybe you are the one who thinks you are stupid. Do you think you are doing a stupid thing by jeopardizing your marriage just to have an unexciting affair with an unavailable man who doesn’t love you and doesn’t make you happy? This is a no-brainer, honey.
You say that you and your husband fight mostly about money. Are you fighting because there isn’t enough of it? Maybe it’s time to get a job outside of the home…or a higher-paying one, if you have one…or a second job. Without knowing the situation though, I suspect you’ll find something else to fight about, because the truth is, you are not happy with yourself.
Get smart, Maria! Ask yourself what you really want. If you are sure you don’t want your husband in your life anymore, get a divorce. If you want to stay married to your husband, then be happy, because you have him. Then, if you want a happier marriage, be happy with yourself. My friend Byron Katie says that if we were clear, we’d be happy married to Frankenstein’s monster.
We reach for love outside of ourselves because we don’t know that our true nature is love. We don’t know that we already have all the love we need and want.
Go within and know who you really are. You will not find true love on the outside until you discover it on the inside.
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